Collection of Lame Jokes

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The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
  • #251
What kind of pants do the mario bros wear?

Denim, denim, denim.
 
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  • #252
A blond takes three years to finally complete a jigsaw puzzle. A friend says: wow that was a long time. The blond replied: it says 8 to 10 years on the box.
 
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  • #253
I thought this video was HILARIOUS! It has some mild vulgarity, so might be NSFW.



One of the best lines of the song:
Q: "What's the opposite of ln(x)?"

A: "Duraflame, the unnatural log"
 
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  • #254
When a news report showed a street sweeper that had been retrofitted as a snow plow, I couldn't help but notice: It's December and the plowers are brooming.
 
  • #255
A plane is about to crash

A woman jumps up and says "Before i doe i want to be treated like a real woman. Who will treat me like a woman?"

A man jumps up, take off his top and say "Here iron this"
 
  • #256
Did you hear about the farmer that got an STD?
It turns out he was allergic to sheep. xD


What's cheese that's not yours?
NACHO cheese!
 
  • #257
This thread has been getting absolutely hammered for days now. Does anyone know why?

edit: It comes up third in a google search for "lame jokes". Maybe that explains it?
 
  • #258
A 3-legged dog goes into a bar and puts his one front paw up on the bar. The bartender asks "what can do for you?" The dog say "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"
 
  • #259
A serial killer is walking in the woods in the middle of the night with his next victim. The victim looks up at him and says, "I'm s-s-s-scared."
The serial killer replies,
"You're scared? I have to walk back by myself."
 
  • #260
did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed the missionary in the jungle?
 
  • #261
How does a lamb recognise its mummy?

It knows the baah code
 
  • #262
Two electrons are walking down the street.

The first one stops and says 'Oh, no! I think I've lost an electron!"
The second one says 'are you sure?'
The first one says 'Yeah, I'm positive'

*Ba doom doom tish*
 
  • #263
A birthday card sent to dad.

Front of card:
Did you hear about the 80 year old man who ran naked through a flower show?

Inside:
He won an award for best dried arrangement.
 
  • #264
A duck walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender says: "No, we don't have any grapes." The next day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender clearly annoyed says: "No, we don't have any grapes!" The third day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and again he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender VERY annoyed says: "No, we don't have any damn grapes!" The third day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and yes, again, he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender is really p!ssed this time and says: "No, we don't have any friggin grapes. If you come in here one more time and ask for grapes I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor. Now get out of here!" The very next day the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender: "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks a bit confused and replies: NO. The duck says: "Good, do you have any grapes?"
 
  • #265
Yes we can!

- American Canning Company
 
  • #266
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
 
  • #267
What is blue and white and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?


A fridge wearing a denim jacket :smile:
 
  • #268
A human head was found floating down the river today. It could be heard singing:
"Ain't got no body, that I can depend on..."
 
  • #269
What's black and white with wheels?

...

A zebra (I lied about the wheels)
 
  • #270
Did you hear that the circus was in town? It's in tents.

What was Beethevon's favorite fruit? Bananananaaaaaa ( OOPS MY BAD)

I much prefer the former.

Kind of a joke: Can I be your pokemon? Because I want to peek-atch-you
 
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  • #271
mbisCool said:
What was Mozart's favorite fruit? Bananananaaaaaa

That one's less lame if you say Beethoven instead of Mozart :smile:
 
  • #272
The Axiom of Choice is obviously true, the well-ordering principle obviously false, and who can tell about Zorn’s Lemma?
 
  • #273
Did you hear the one about the elephant, the lion, and the Rabbi?
 
  • #274
How do you catch a unique rabbit?


You neak up on it.

 
  • #275
edward said:
A blond takes three years to finally complete a jigsaw puzzle. A friend says: wow that was a long time. The blond replied: it says 8 to 10 years on the box.

Or how about the blond that is having a hard time putting together a puzzle, so she calls her friend that is much smarter than her.

The friend comes over and looks at all the pieces on the table, and asks in bewilderment "what is it supposed to BE?" So the blond says, its supposed to be a tiger. See? And she hands over the box. Which happens to be a box of cereal.

THEIR GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!
 
  • #276
Q- What do yoy say to a one legged hitchhiker?
A- Hop in.


Q- what did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
A- Dam!
 
  • #277
Some guy cut his arm off in metal shop today.

He sewed it back on in Home-Ec
 
  • #278
Why did the chicken cross the road?

to see his flat mate.
 
  • #279
Don't know if this one's been said:

Why is there a fence around a graveyard?




'cause people are just dying to get in :smile:
 
  • #280
apbuiii said:
Don't know if this one's been said:

Why is there a fence around a graveyard?




'cause people are just dying to get in :smile:
And why are there benches scattered about? They're for rigor mortis to set in.
 
  • #281
Two politicians are having an argument. One of them yells "You're lying!". The other one responds, "Yes, I am, but hear me out!".
 
  • #282


Ellie May: This here's my new pet, Little Jethro!

Granny: Little Jethro?! That critter ain't little! An' I sure hope his appetite is littler than Jethro's!

Ellie May: Aw, heck, Granny, he's just a baby! The man at the zoo says he'll grow up to be 4 foot tall and 300 pounds, cause he's a lion!

Granny: Darn right, he's a lyin'! Not even a bobcat gets that big!
 
  • #283
So I says to the girl with the wooden leg "Peg, how're you standing' it?" and she says "I can't kick."
 
  • #284
This is a pretty old one,

If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
 
  • #285


BobG said:
Ellie May: This here's my new pet, Little Jethro!

Granny: Little Jethro?! That critter ain't little! An' I sure hope his appetite is littler than Jethro's!

Ellie May: Aw, heck, Granny, he's just a baby! The man at the zoo says he'll grow up to be 4 foot tall and 300 pounds, cause he's a lion!

Granny: Darn right, he's a lyin'! Not even a bobcat gets that big!

After I posted my joke I was thinking that I had posted that before. When I read yours, I was sure that not only had mine been posted before, but so had yours.

However, it also came to my attention that my joke was funnier the second time around. :biggrin:
 
  • #286
this is the lamest joke i ever heard.. What is red and look like a bucket? a red bucket ! :smile:
 
  • #287
A guy named Matt received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Matt tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Matt put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Matt was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Matt's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Matt was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
 
  • #288
Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this?Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
 
  • #289
Ivan Seeking said:
Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

This would be funny, if it were only a joke.
 
  • #290
misgfool said:
This would be funny, if it were only a joke.

Roger that. From the educational aspect, that is. As someone from an officially bilingual country, the last item seems a bit offensive. If TV were to be believed, every second Yank can speak Spanish, which to me makes the US an unofficially bilingual country. I am Spanish, and can't understand a word of it. The closest that I can get is occasionally gleaning something from the Latin roots when reading it. No chance with just listening.
 
  • #291
Danger said:
Roger that. From the educational aspect, that is. As someone from an officially bilingual country, the last item seems a bit offensive. If TV were to be believed, every second Yank can speak Spanish, which to me makes the US an unofficially bilingual country. I am Spanish, and can't understand a word of it. The closest that I can get is occasionally gleaning something from the Latin roots when reading it. No chance with just listening.

It is a bit on the edge, but it is also highly representitive of the problems we face. School systems in the border States [especially] have been overwhelmed with kids who can't speak English.
 
  • #292
My work often involves information that is proprietary to my customers. As a result, I am constantly reminded that I shouldn't talk to anyone about this or that. After being in business for over a decade, I finally popped off with the perfect answer: Oh, don't worry about it. In five minutes I won't remember anything we talked about anyway.
 
  • #293
Ivan Seeking said:
My work often involves information that is proprietary to my customers. As a result, I am constantly reminded that I shouldn't talk to anyone about this or that. After being in business for over a decade, I finally popped off with the perfect answer: Oh, don't worry about it. In five minutes I won't remember anything we talked about anyway.
Tell me about! Much of my consulting work involved system analyses involving complex industrial systems that may or may not have been automated to some degree over the years. I couldn't show the finished work to prospective clients because it was proprietary, and it belonged to the existing/previous clients. Luckily, there were enough happy clients that word-of-mouth kept me busy enough to have to turn down work. Pulp and Paper is a commodity industry, and if you can squeeze out just a bit of extra efficiency at any stage of the process, it makes a big difference, so secrets are $$$$.
 
  • #294
5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

So all it takes to improve math education is an influx of people willing to work for a living?
 
  • #295
Just to be clear, that is not a racist joke; at least I don't think it is. In fact Tsu and my mother had the same reaction I did. When I mentioned that Danger thought the joke was racist, they both recognized the implication but were surprised by it. To those of us familiar with the immigration problem, it takes on a completely different context.
 
  • #296
Ivan Seeking said:
Just to be clear, that is not a racist joke; at least I don't think it is. In fact Tsu and my mother had the same reaction I did. When I mentioned that Danger thought the joke was racist, they both recognized the implication but were surprised by it. To those of us familiar with the immigration problem, it takes on a completely different context.

I didn't see it racist, per se, but I probably did pick out a different message than you did.

I think waves of immigrants, starting out disadvantaged and having to look for any advantage they could find, have tended to keep the US healthy when it comes to competing with the rest of the world.

This is just the latest wave of immigrants.
 
  • #297
Another one I heard once,

Q: Do old men wear boxers or briefs?

A:Depends
 
  • #298
BobG said:
I didn't see it racist, per se, but I probably did pick out a different message than you did.

I think waves of immigrants, starting out disadvantaged and having to look for any advantage they could find, have tended to keep the US healthy when it comes to competing with the rest of the world.

This is just the latest wave of immigrants.

As you know, the problem is uncontrolled immigration. The schools simply don't have the resources to keep up. Also, recall that many immigrants of the past went through Ellis Island. We have never had an open border.
 
  • #299
IMP said:
A guy named Matt received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Matt tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Matt put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Matt was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Matt's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Matt was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Okay, I laughed. Loud and everything. :biggrin:
 
  • #300
lol, i keep laughing lol, is it becuase I am lame? :) x
 

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