Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

I thought the chicken crossed the road to see their flat mate.

Wasn't that the hedgehog?

In Texas, it would be an armadillo.

Around here, it's possums. A nearby restaurant (long gone out of business) used to sell tins of "Yellow Stripe" brand possum meat.

 

[davenn]

Wasn't that the hedgehog?

indeed it was

 

[davenn]

In Texas, it would be an armadillo.

Around here, it's possums. A nearby restaurant (long gone out of business) used to sell tins of "Yellow Stripe" brand possum meat.

Ohhh man, that shocked me, when driving around TX particularly the eastern half ... so, so many dead armadillos
Only saw a couple of live ones and they were so close to the road that their days were probably numbered tooDave

 

[gmax137]

A nearby restaurant ...

Remember The Roadkill Café? Slogan: "From Your Grill to Ours"

 

[jtbell]

While we're talking about Texas... here's a Texan trying to brag to a Vermonter about how big his state is.

Texan: "I can start in Texas and drive all day and all night and all the next day, and I'm still in Texas!"
Vermonter: "I know what you mean... I used to have a car like that myself."

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 107909

What's your latest 100 m time?

 

[davenn]

What's your latest 100 m time?

hahaha ... with my heart and breathing hassles, I can't run 50m without almost collapsing on the groundD

 

[Kevin McHugh]

In Texas, it would be an armadillo.

Around here, it's possums. A nearby restaurant (long gone out of business) used to sell tins of "Yellow Stripe" brand possum meat.

In Texas, they take an empty long neck beer bottle, and place it in the armadillo's curled up legs. It looks like they're lying on their backs drinking a cold one. I nearly died laughing first time I saw that.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Brilliant !

tho I don't think the daughter is overly impressed

https://scontent-syd1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14729199_335138946847752_1598082827045977115_n.jpg?oh=23fef874fcac7de0d26c696d8815a21d&oe=588E7C16

 

[i-like-maths]

What is an ig?
An eskimo home without a toilet

 

[Psinter]

Husband?

I have a flushband. It can remotely flush the toilet when I'm not home. What can this "hus-band" of yours do?

 

[Psinter]

They say Python emphasizes readability, but in all honesty I see it a little bit tangled.

And I C#.

 

[jtbell]

I'm flashing back to fifth grade here...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say apple?

 

[i-like-maths]

1st man: I had a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden engine and a wooden bodywork.
2nd man: How was it?
1st man: It wooden go.

 

[i-like-maths]

Why did the farmer drive over his potato crop with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.

 

[i-like-maths]

I named my IPod The Titanic so whenever I connect to ITunes it says The Titanic is syncing.

 

[i-like-maths]

Why did the unappreciated cow sit down behind his cow?
He wanted to get a pat on the back.

 

[i-like-maths]

Are deep sea divers with chicken pox any good?
Well, they certainly come up to scratch.

 

[i-like-maths]

What happened to the frog when he stopped on double-yellow lines?
He was toad away.

 

[i-like-maths]

Why did the robber take a bar of soap with him when he went to rob the bank?
So he could make a clean getaway.

 

[i-like-maths]

Pupil: Are you sure this recipe's right?
Cooking teacher: Pineapples, three cubed - what's wrong with that?
Pupil: Well, 27 pineapples seem an awful lot for one fruit salad.

 

[davenn]

 

[i-like-maths]

Why did the unemployed man take a course in meditation?
He said it was better than sitting around all day doing nothing.

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14639829_337694539925526_2165686511216826298_n.jpg?oh=88be2f38b61d6e817f2a103395966ead&oe=58A0EE28

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13900324_291092841252363_6545170887574035715_n.jpg?oh=eec983910947f95fe5728000077f2475&oe=58D1B407

 

[fresh_42]

What's the nearest black hole?

Spoiler

Las Vegas, NV, USA
What happens in Vegas ...