Collection of Lame Jokes

[dextercioby]

How to really spook for Halloween.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I’ll sleep on it and I will come back to you if needed," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.

"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

 

[fresh_42]

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I’ll sleep on it and I will come back to you if needed," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.

"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

You got to know your OCD!

 

[fresh_42]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Wheeling WV archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Woodsdale. Shortly after, a story in the The Intelligencer read, "WV archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.One week later, a local newspaper in Barton Ohio reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Hell’s Kitchen, Pete Riley, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist and gynecologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Riley has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless."

https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=2495184987324267&set=a.639801042862680

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 333531

 

[fresh_42]

Here is one for you, @pinball1970

 

[pinball1970]

Here is one for you, @pinball1970

View attachment 333535

Yes, not the best start for us. Painful to watch at times.

 

[fresh_42]

Yes, not the best start for us. Painful to watch at times.

Do not complain. I have a mug from QPR.

 

[phinds]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you. A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK: Blind man driving. Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix. In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels. At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed. On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout. On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts. In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door "Push. Push. Push." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted. In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait. At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank Heaven for little grills. In a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak. And the best one for last: Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

 

[fresh_42]

Btw., does anybody know who sang: "Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Redder Than They Are"? Was it Meet Doppler?

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jack action]

With everything going on in the world these days, this one is especially appropriate to lighten the mood:

 

[DennisN]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 333540

It's the alligator in the back he needs to worry about - they're extremely litigious. It's where the word "allegation" comes from.

(Tip o' the hat to Rich Hall and Jeremy Hardy on QI for that one.)

 

[phinds]

I had to read a couple of these a few times to get the joke but I promise you they are all there.

HMM ... I've tried posting this image at several sizes by it always shows up here in this small size.

 

[fresh_42]

Here is one for @berkeman :

Spoiler: explanation

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Swamp Thing]

I hear that a recent bestseller about poltergeists is simply flying off the shelves.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DrGreg]

I hear that a recent bestseller about poltergeists is simply flying off the shelves.

I couldn't put it down.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 333646

4.[/size]

 

[256bits]

Shouldn't the YouTube show front view the camera is positioned?

 

[Swamp Thing]

The laws of optics are different in Flatland.

 

[nuuskur]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 333665

Note for all readers outside of Florida: A black bear will do.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

We are doomed!

 

[Ibix]

If it said NEWWOKLLIM you'd be in real trouble...

 

[256bits]

Proof:
On a clear day you would see this:
( Higfhlight emphasis and contrast enhancement )

Rain washes the pollutants out, and you see this :
View attachment 1697576065816.webp
Case closed.

 

[256bits]

YLTSENOH I don't get EKOJ

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 333774

Irony (adj): having qualities similar to the metal iron.

 

[davenn]

A man was quietly reading his paper one morning when his wife crept up behind him and whacked him on the back of his head.
Shocked, the man asked: “What was that for?”
The wife replied: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary written on it?”
“Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Mary was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” the man answered.
The wife looked satisfied and apologised before giving him a kiss and walking away.
Three days later he was sitting in his chair reading once again when the wife returned. This time she slapped him across the face.
The man held his cheek and asked: “What was that for this time?”
The wife answered: “Your horse phoned.”

 

[WWGD]

Not sure where to post this one.
Overheard:
1)A couple. The woman says." OK, I'll move on, need to make myself look pretty for tonight's party."
The man: "Well, that's surely going to take a long time."

2) Two people fighting for a parking spot. One walks away while saying: " You take it. Life's punished you enough by giving you that face".

2* Ouch.